September 16, 2012

Criss Angel - My Dream Guy

When someone asked me what qualities I look for in a man. I smiled, because I already had a list of all the qualities I wanted in my dream guy.. in fact I had it written down on a piece of paper in my pocket.

1. He has to wear a lot of black or dark colors

2. Wear black eyeliner
3. Have a lisp
4. Likes Cats

5. Make cool gestures with his hands in every picture

6. Can levitate
7. Wears lots of jewelry of handcuffs mixed with crucifixes.

8. Has dated former Playboy playmates

9. Has a music side project
10. **Is a magician**

And the only guy who fits that bill perfectly is Criss Angel. So I won't accept anything less than I deserve goddammit.. and I sure as hell ain't gonna take no substitutions, because I'm worth it. (Been working a lot with my therapist on that one)

September 9, 2012

Creepy Uncle T.J.

(Reader submission)

My uncle T.J., my dad's older brother, worked as an assistant manager at IHOP for 5 years. I don't know why he never made it to full on manager. So when I was going to community college and needed a job, my Dad suggested I talk with uncle T.J., he could totally hook me up with a job at IHOP.  Not exactly my dream job, but hey it would help me out through college and give me some extra money. Uncle T.J. was the uncle who I always thought of as kind of cool, me being the only boy in the family it was nice to have him come around and listen to give me untrue facts (in later years I would learn) about the birds and the bees. He was about 8 years older than me he felt more like a big bro than an uncle. He still sometimes would show up at high school parties with a keg, I thought it was funny and didn't really care. Maybe guys are different. My sisters hated him and my mom would call him a mooch. T.J. never had any money, would eat everything in our fridge and just leave.
But Uncle T.J. hired me on the spot, first as a busser and then eventually I would train as a server. My first day at work, I came in 15 minutes early, cause you know, I'm a responsible guy. After about 45 minutes of waiting for Uncle T.J. who had not shown up yet, some other server ended up showing me how to buss tables. Uncle T.J. showed up an hour late, eyes red as a tomato and reeking of marijuana. He patted me on the back and said, "Woahhhh... someones trying to get my job. Thanks for coming in early" I laughed and told him he was late. He ended up looking at his watch for about 5 minutes and then said "Battery must have run out."
For the next couple of weeks, while the job sucked, it wasn't that bad. Uncle T.J. was pretty much loathed by all the girls who worked there. The hostesses and other waitresses avoided him like the plague, would roll their eyes at him whenever he walked by. I never understood why really, I mean he was just always Uncle T.J. not that bad of a guy.
The more I worked there I did pick up on things, such as T.J. sneaking off in the back to smoke weed with the dishwashers quite often. I noticed he checked out the other female staff women parts like blatantly. I remember he had a conversation with one of the waitresses who was rather large chested and starred at her chest the whole entire conversation without looking up once. I started to become a little embarrassed. "You can't do those things man.." I tried to reason with him one day after work.
"Do what?"
"You can't rub up against the female staff like there isn't any room, you can't mention how good their uniform is fitting them today.. it's like sexual harassment. You're creepin' people out."
"I'm just admiring the beautiful female form that's all. There ain't nothing wrong with telling someone they look wonderful."
It was hopeless. I don't think he understood what he was even doing.
After another week or so, I kept working watching Uncle T.J. I mean he wasn't a bad manager, he just had the look, you know which only happened if you were female.
The next day I went to work and Uncle T.J. never showed up. I figured he called in sick or had a rough night. One of the waitresses who had trained me pulled me to the side and said "So you know that T.J. isn't coming in today right?"
"Uhhh no."
"Yeah he totally got fired, and pending an investigation maybe criminal charges."
She pointed to a window near the table, which had obviously just been replaced judging by the fresh paint and yellow caution tape over the table.
"Yeah apparently he had been buying alcohol for the one of the underage waitresses, I guess he asked her for a blow job in return for the favor, and she called him a loser or something and grabbed the alcohol and rode off with her friends in another car., T.J. got pissed off and according to the police report was heavily intoxicated and threw a brick through the window."
I shook my head in disbelief. Fucking Creepy Uncle T.J. throwing a brick though a window because an underage girl he'd bought alcohol for wouldn't give him a B.J.

September 2, 2012

Who's Creepier?? Uncle Jesse or Joey?

I've always been one for intellectual debate... seeing how I was the president of my debate team in high school. Just kidding, I never went to high school.
So the question is, who's creepier, Uncle Jesse or Joey from Full House? You see there are many varying opinions , theories, and facts on this matter (And no Danny Tanner is completely out of this equation, and the best dad ever btw) So lets review the facts first/theories.. then I'll give my opinion

Uncle Jesse

He's the real actual maternal uncle that definitely puts him at an advantage of being creepy

He had a mullet at one point, which adds to the creepy factor, but then again it was a time when it was the style. No questions asked.

He never really had a full time job, or a job. I remember him writing jingles, and then having a radio show. Then making a music video? I don't know, but Aunt Becky definitely brought home the bacon if you know what I mean.

He definitely fucked a lot of chicks. This is a fact. Shit I would have fucked him, uncle or no uncle. Prior to Aunt Becky I am pretty sure he was dipping that Greek sausage in any hole that came along. Mostly skanky slutty bitches I'm sure with big hair and lots of aquanet. I'm pretty sure he's banged some underage chicks but not really on purpose, the age factor just never came up.

OK, I don't know if you noticed this but Uncle Jesse and Stephanie had a weird love/hate relationship. I think the question came up between them a few times about just how related they were. He was always harping on her more than other two. Stephanie started to rebel in the last season or so. I think something happened between her and Uncle Jesse physically, I can't say full blown intercourse, but something along those lines did happen.

I also think Uncle Jesse got drunk one night, and plowed Kimmie Gibler. I think Kimmie was totally sober since she had been into him for awhile. He got fucked up after a fight with Aunt Becky, went outside in the backyard to sit and collect his thoughts and Kimmie was there. She was just leaving the Tanner residence after a night of watching music videos with D.J. Sure enough, she saw him, and one thing led to another. This would explain why he's so annoyed and tries to avoid her every chance he can get. He's so disgusted by what he did.

Joey (Gladstone)

Joey, Joey, where do I begin with this guy. Despite people calling him Uncle Joey, he's NOT the Tanner girls uncle or relative in any way shape or form. He's Danny Tanner's best friend since grade school.

He did have a mullet as well. Not as cool as Jesse's but Joey wasn't even in the same league as Jesse in anything. But he did keep his mullet for a long time, well after it was fashionable.

Joey initially moved into the Tanner house to help Danny out after the tragic death of his wife.  thennnnn he just stayed. I'd really like to see the place he lived in prior to moving into the Tanner household. I'm guessing it was a motel called the Red Robin near the airport which had weekly rates.

He lived in the garage for awhile as I remembered, lived in the living room... Ummmm then moved in the basement, after being interrupted one too many times jerking his hockey stick. Luckily I think the girls were way too young to know what was going on, but I am sure they did inquire what the quick rapid movements, moans, dirty talk in chipmunk voice, and creaking of his cot were at night. (All Uncle Jesse had to conceal with were slurping noises) Danny got tired of these questions, and then Joey moved to a room on the same hallway with all 3 girls. And stayed. Forever I'm sure. I'm sure he's there right now.

Like Jesse, Joey didn't have much of an income and was constantly changing jobs. He was a struggling "comedian" a really shitty one. Then he was sticking his hand up a puppet ass named Mr. Woodchuck.

Joey never had a serious relationship. He had that one girl with a funny voice for a bit, but other than that he was content not dating or having a relationship with a female of the opposite sex other than Danny's children, and Jesse's wife.

I don't think he had a car.

I have to go with Joey on this one as for being creepier. This mofo is incapable of having a normal conversation and does horrible impressions. I don't think I have ever laughed once at any the jokes he has done, except for "cut it out" which I still do use quite frequently, I will give him props on that one.   I would image it being horrendous having to literally shut your bedroom door in his fucking face every time your friends came around. "Is that guy Joey still living with you guys?.. I thought he was only staying for a bit, not like 10 years." I can picture him forgetting to lock the bathroom door all the time and walking in on him naked brushing his teeth or blow drying his hair. Then him making some horrible impression or joke to ease the awkwardness of it.

Agree, disagree??? Let me know your thoughts or ideas, or maybe I'm missing something!!!

pictures via Full House Reviewed   - great site I recommend you visit it btw